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Being a Surv*vor - from the inside |
| Name: |
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sj |
| Date Posted: |
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Apr 24, 08 - 12:33 PM |
| Message: |
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just my thoughts....might be triggering
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Being a Survivor, from the inside
Being a Survivor is something which whilst never being all of you, will always be part of you. This part may be bigger at times, or it may be almost un noticeable……but it is always there.
You know that life will never turn out to be the life you were promised, the one you were meant to have. You struggle to fit into a world which does not comprehend and rarely makes allowances. A life full of people who if they WERE aware would say “leave the past in the past and move on” as if they believe they have said something truly profound and are the first person to have been so insightful.
True understanding can only really come from those with a similar level of trauma in their lives, those that have experienced the catastrophic effects of flashbacks and body memories. How could anyone completely understand how disorientating it can be to flit from the present where you are walking along the road quite happily and then firmly in the past, in the blink of an eye? Sounds from today sometimes filter through…… the sound of a car horn perhaps, or maybe a kindly voice asking whether you are ok - but how can your brain make sense of today sounds when you are seeing yesterdays sights. Add to that a body memory – your body actually feeling someone’s hands on you or something probing inside you. Why would anyone not “want to move on” or not “let it go”. The problem with these statements are that they make it sound as if the Survivor is inviting these intrusive, disorientating and often downright painful memories into their lives.
Survivors are no different from anyone else in the fact that they would avoid pain and terror at all costs. But there lies the difficulty. Not all triggers can be avoided… not all of them are known even, and they are different in each person. Once they are discovered, it may be possible to avoid them, but what if the way an elderly gentleman has his beard trimmed in a certain way is a trigger….do you avoid all elderly men? And how do you do that….. you can perhaps not visit people in residential homes, but what about the elderly gentleman who walks up behind you when you are standing beside the road waiting to cross….or the one who has lost his way and taps your arm to get your attention? Do you not watch television because there might be an elderly gentleman who reminds you of your father, on a program? Do you sit in the house avoid contact with everyone and everything?
And whilst you are sitting in the house avoiding everything and everyone, and a child walks past the window with his mum and lets out a sudden scream as he falls over and hurts himself - and that shout of childhood pain reminds you of shout of pain that you yourself made as an abuser grabbed your arm and dragged you across the room….and the trauma comes flooding back….what then?
How do you learn to trust when those you trusted so badly let you down? And what is a life without trust? How can you make true friendships when for a certain amount of the time you are not really yourself? How do you let your guard down long enough to be you? You know that not everyone is out to hurt you….you know there is good in the world. But how do you leave yourself open to the good when you know from first hand experience that there are people who are dark and depraved and who WILL hurt others terribly to get what they want out of life.
How do you become a good parent when your parents failed you on so many levels, so many times? Is it wrong to base your parenting skills on ensuring you do the exact opposite to the way your parents handled parenting? And what about the inner child, who still cries herself to sleep, is terrified of night time, and craves the love she never received – the inner child who is devastated every time you hold or comfort a child that you have given birth to.
How do you ever feel a whole person, when you want to run from the person that you actually are. How do you come to love that person instead of loathing and fearing her? It’s so hard to love someone who you hate being around. It’s so hard to love someone who is crying like an injured animal, but who recoils when you reach out to touch them. It’s so hard to love someone who is so in touch with the years of the pain and terror of a shattered childhood.
This is the story of my life. This is how I am, maybe not all the time, but certainly some of it. I get very low, I feel so sad and desperate and wonder if I will make it through another minute. But I do. I often say “things happen for a reason” and it’s something I really do believe. I don’t know why my childhood was one which has left me similar to a jigsaw puzzle without the picture on the box, but it happened and one day I hope that my puzzle will be complete and I will be able to step back and be proud of myself for not giving up when everything was so jumbled |
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