WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, anda half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response,
'Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!' Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'
Paddy and Mick are doing a crossword.....
Mick asks Paddy.... spell paint?
Paddy says ... What colour?
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please keep reading.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's at the kitchen table the other day. All of a sudden she got angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I was going to say something and then I thought to myself, "Naw, say nothing Joker, she's just going through the change!"
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come today?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat!"
thats a cracker Joker, just think, she comes back and screams, weres all my clothes.
A couple was celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed son number one .... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is that we're all together today."
Son number two arrived and announced, "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and all said, "You mean we're bast*rds?"
"Yep," said the father. "And cheap ones too."
Seen this on the wall of the gents..... "My wife follows me everywhere" and written below it were the words, "I do not!"
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked me, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"
"Are you Irish?" I asked him.
The man, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.
“If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
"Well no," I said "I probably wouldn't."
The man said, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
"Because you're in Halfords." I replied.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk theyd shared, where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally'.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, "Weve got to give it back!"
Sally said, "Finders keepers!" She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No officers."
Andy said, "Shes lying. She hid it up in the attic"
Sally said, "Dont believe him, hes getting senile."
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "OK,tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy began, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ...."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when out of the blue
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other a*shole using my stuff.."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a*shole?"
A smart young monk called Harvey arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, Harvey goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies .
The head monk, says, ' Harvey , we have been copying from these copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.'
The old abbot goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So Harvey gets worried and goes down to look for him and sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!'
His forehead was all bloody and bruised and was crying uncontrollably. The young monk Harvey asked the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?'
With a choking voice, the old abbot replied, 'The word was...
CELEB R ATE !!!'
So, I was at the gym the other day and I hear this
from an older gentleman, not in the best physical
condition, who asked the trainer:
"I want to impress that beautiful girl over there. Which machine should I use?"
The trainer replied : "Try the ATM machine outside the gym!"
A Scotsman who has recently moved out to the country buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around, and instead will lie down, and wallow in the grass, when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods and does the deed with them all, brings them back, then goes to bed.
Next morning,he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them all into the Land Rover again.
He drives them out to the woods, takes each sheep in turn, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods.
This time he decides to go twice with each one for good measure, and upon returning home, falls completely fatigued into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.
"No,"she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."