A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's surgery and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
With her right index finger the redhead pushed on her left wrist and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken!"
Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were holidaying in Europe.....as it happens, near Transylvania.
They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted road. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.A minute passes. A small, hunch-backed man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob carries his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
"Master, Master!.....The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"
(I know.... you all hate me now don't you? Hee Haw!)
I walked into my house the other night to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall.
On the note was written the following: "We have your wife. If you want to see her alive again we want £50,000. Do not contact the police, we are very determined. Await a phone call from us."
Phew! They weren't joking about being determined - I've had 36 missed calls from them now!
Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House.
After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal!
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. Just think,' he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:
I found out who peed in your saxophone.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're flying with British Airways," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are snobby, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further... I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
Trying to rescue her hopes of a nice holiday the woman said, "We're going to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant!"
"Well, good luck on that lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the woman ran into the hair dresser on the high street. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What did he say?"
He said: "Who the Hell did your hair?"
Cinderella is now 95 years old.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella gasps, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?
The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:
'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.'
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella squeals, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother!'
The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. How about your second wish?'
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations Cinderella, enjoy your new life!'
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
'Bet you're sorry now that you had me neutered!'
In the seminary, students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also given that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland was standing in line waiting to go through Customs. She leaned over to the Priest beside her and asked, "Father, may I ask a favour?"
The Priest replied, "Of course child. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your Robes perhaps?"
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to Declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvellous instrument designed for use on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next please!"
Hilarious!!!!! A fantastic way to start of the week. Thanks Joker to your continuous jokes.
Thanks for the jokes (joker ) :)
A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell some of the "personal" products aimed at men.
The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about selling contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers dont ask for them by name, they'll ask for a 3-10 [small] a 3-20[medium] or a 3-30[large]. The word condom won't even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a large dark skinned man came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "3-50".
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs," her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw that there was indeed a yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!!!!" she said "There is a yellow bucket hanging there, just like you described....!"
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50 .... He's the window cleaner!!!"
An Irish woman is cleaning her husband’s rifle and accidentally shoots him. She immediately dials 999.
Irish woman: "It's my fooken husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him!"
Operator: "Please calm down Madam. Can you make sure first that he is actually dead!"
*click* .. *BANG*
Irish woman: "Okay, I've done dat.................... What's next?"
A man met a woman in London during the Olympics and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She protested, "But we divvn't na anything aboot each other."
"That's all right," he replied. "We'll learn as we go along."
So she consented; they were married, and decided to honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning, husband and wife were relaxing poolside when suddenly, the husband got up, climbed up the 10 meter board and did a two-and-a-half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly and almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water with knife-like precision.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.
"EEE pet that was incredible!" his wife exclaimed.
"I'm an Olympic diving champion," he explained. "You see, I told you we'd learn more about one another as we went along."
With that, his wife got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth at one end of the pool had hardly disappeared before she had touched the other end! She did laps in freestyle, breast stroke, even butterfly.
After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel.
"That was incredible!" he exclaimed. "Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"Na man," she said, "I was a prostitute in Newcastle and worked both sides of the Tyne..."