A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a cast iron pot with a lid.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with a sensitive problem.
'Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wootn't moind.'
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
'Incredible' he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up there.'
Tentatively the doctor eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
'This is amazing!' exclaims the Doctor. 'What do you want me to do?'
'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!' shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?'
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says '£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman. 'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand...'
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had been over-enthusiastic on the "Bacardi breezers."
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her underwear and use that.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of scanties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she decided to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girly nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no drawers!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her rear that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!'
Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
So then the farmer leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me little lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence says, ......
'I guess it's to hang your trousers on!'
My pet mouse Elvis, died yesterday.
He was caught in a trap!
A husband frantically calls down to reception from his hotel room: "PLEASE, you have to come quickly! I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of the hotel... we are on the fifth floor, HURRY!"
The manager replied: "Sir, I'm afraid that is a personal matter and I can't interfere."
The husband shouts down the phone: "Like hell it is! The window won't open and that's a maintenance matter; get somebody up here NOW!!!"
So I said to my boss.... "What will I do with this roll of bubble wrap?" "Ach, pop it in the corner," says he.
Phew, I was there for three piggin' hours!!!
Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.
‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ says Jock. ‘I’ve got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’
Archie nods approvingly.
‘Hell, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continues Jock.
‘A kilt?’ exclaims Archie. ‘That’s grand, you’ll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?’
‘Och,’ says Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white.'
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too,"Says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus," Says the barman.
"The circus?" Repeats the duck.
"That's right," Replies the barman.
"The circus?" The duck asks again. with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ........
"What the H*ll would they want with a plasterer??!"
An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry,and was suing the lorry company.
In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'
'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details, just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
'Well, I had just got Bessie into the side-car and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie.'
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the side-car and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, 'How badly are you hurt?'
After what he did to Bessie, what would you have said?'