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Re: Jokes 6

So I said to my boss.... "What will I do with this roll of bubble wrap?" "Ach, pop it in the corner," says he.

Phew, I was there for three piggin' hours!!!

Re: Jokes 6

Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.

‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ says Jock. ‘I’ve got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’

Archie nods approvingly.

‘Hell, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continues Jock.

‘A kilt?’ exclaims Archie. ‘That’s grand, you’ll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?’

‘Och,’ says Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white.'

Re: Jokes 6

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says ........

"What the H*ll would they want with a plasterer??!"

Re: Jokes 6

An Irish farmer named Seamus had an accident with a lorry,and was suing the lorry company.

In court their hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

Solicitor

'Now didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'

Seamus

'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

Solicitor

'I didn't ask for any details, just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus

'Well, I had just got Bessie into the side-car and I was driving down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:

'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie.'

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the side-car and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit me right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came charging across the road, gun still in hand, looked me up and down, and said, 'How badly are you hurt?'

After what he did to Bessie, what would you have said?'